I have about three unfinished drafts which I have been meaning to finish and post but haven't gotten around to it. I'll hopefully do that some time but I had to start this new one because I just needed to get this off my chest.
The past month? Couple of months I guess haven't been great. I got my period which lasted almost three weeks which led me to be constantly being tired and emotional. I thought the emotional aspect of things was because of my hormones being all over the place, and I guess that was part of it but I was also going into one of my depressive episodes at the time and I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Basically I thought things would go back to normal by now, but they haven't. I mean my period has stopped, well it stopped for a few weeks then started again today but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is, I've been going through depression for years and yes it's not as bad as it used to be a few years ago but I still get depressive episodes from time to time but they generally don't last very long. That is until now. Which is why I'm writing this. I haven't gone through an episode that's lasted this long in years and it's unsettling. I know I should get help, trust me, I know. I haven't exactly done the best thing to manage my condition over the past, probably because I found a way to cope and its been working for me so far. I know it's probably not healthy, I don't need people telling me what to do, I know. Just let me deal with it and I'll get help when I'm ready. Honestly I've thought about seeing someone about this recently just because it's been pretty bad lately and it's probably about time I got proper help, it's just so hard to open up about this.
I still find it awkward and uncomfortable to talk about with the people I'm closest with, let alone a stranger. I've done it before, when I first got diagnosed and it was one of the hardest things I had to do so I have to mentally prepare myself to go through all of that again.
I don't even know what the point of this was anymore. Basically things feel like they've been falling apart around me and it's getting harder and harder to pretend like I'm okay. I mean I am okay but I also really want to die you know? I don't know why that made me laugh.
I've been thinking about dying a lot lately which isn't new but I recently told one person about and she's the only one I've ever told because it's scary and uncomfortable and I don't want to burden people with what a mess of a person I am. Honestly I don't know why people are friends with me but I'm forever grateful I have these people in my life because who knows where I would be without them. Oh and the whole thinking about dying thing, don't worry I'm not thinking about actually doing anything to myself, that was a different time and I'm glad I'm not there anymore, I just think about dying in general. I'll stop talking about that now okay. Like it's hard enough talking about being depressed in general without bringing up this shit.
I swear when I thought about this post I had a clearer message but it's become all over the place...
I just hate this state of mind I'm in right now, it's so draining and it's impacting me both physically and mentally. I've been spending more time in bed and have been less productive than ever. I'm pretty sure I've put on weight again so there goes that little work I put into losing it. I've been crying a lot, if I didn't have to go to work every day, I feel like I would start reverting back to the version of myself from a few years ago and isn't that a scary thought.
What else? History disbanded which fucking ripped my heart apart, Music has been the biggest thing that has helped me get through bad days, it's been my life source in a way and I know it's probably silly to get so upset over a band disbanding but it means so much to me. They mean so much to me. I have a coping mechanism when things get bad and that's to distract myself. It's what I do and what I've done for as long as I can remember. I lose myself in music and tv and movies and books so much because they distract me, which gives me the illusion that things are okay, if just for a little while. So that's probably why I get so obsessed with things because it keeps my mind thinking about something else and just because it makes me happy. History made me happy and I'm so thankful for that. I was supposed to do a whole post just about them which I still may do but yeah that's what else has been going on with my life I guess.
I should probably stop writing, this is such a mess. Anyway if you read this, don't be worried about me. I just needed to spew my thoughts and feelings because bottling them up was getting to me. Like honestly I was standing outside staring at the moon before I walked back in and started writing this. I forgot how therapeutic it could be to write on here. It's probably why I used to post so much back then.
Hopefully I'll be back soon with actual quality content (not that anyone even reads this blog anymore). But I've had so many things I've wanted to write about and I really do miss keeping this journal of sorts.
Okay I'll actually stop writing now.
