Replay

I swear I was planning on making a happier post since my last one but things happen and here we are. A few days ago I found out that Kim Jonghyun from Shinee passed away and I did not handle it well. I've written this over a couple of days and it's mainly to get things out of my system so I apologise if it's a bit of a mess of thoughts that don't flow properly.
 I was at work when I found out and spent the last few hours of my shift feeling numb. As soon as I started driving home, I started crying and could not stop. All night and the next morning I was drifting in and out of sleep but would cry whenever I was awake. The whole time I spent at work the next day was painful, I felt sick, tired and had to take breaks to stop myself from crying. I couldn't eat, I felt faint and it was a struggle to get through the day.

I feel somewhat ridiculous getting this upset over the death of someone I never knew and honestly it's surprised me how much I've been affected by it especially since I've never cried this much over people I knew personally who passed away. I really like Shinee and Jonghyun but I admit I have never been as emotionally attached to them as I am with other groups so these feelings really hit me out of nowhere. 

It may be due to a combination of things, I have been going through one of my episodes lately, not one of my worst ones but I haven't been in a great place mentally. I also haven't been sleeping well, I keep having really vivid (mostly unpleasant) dreams from which I get woken up several times during the night. So the tiredness and emotional vulnerability I was experiencing may have resulted in a greater reaction to the news than I normally would have. But mostly I think it is because of the circumstance of his death. 

I'm not going to lie, I have had suicidal thoughts quite often and have been at a point when I have seriously considered it. I'm not in that place anymore but I do still, from time to time think about death and dying. I don't know, I guess I'm trying to justify or understand the reasons for why I was so affected over this news. I guess I saw a lot of my suffering in him and it broke me up that someone had to go through the same things I do to the point where it ultimately consumed him.

Reading his 'goodbye letter' was unbelievably painful but it also scared me because of how similar my thoughts have been, it easily sounded like things I have told and continue to tell myself and I hate that other people go through this, it's not fair. 
It's almost all I've been thinking about the past few days. I tried to distance myself from it at the start but it was everywhere and hard to avoid. I read this excerpt from an interview and it just hit so close to home because I relate to this so much.

I feel like I've been making this entire thing about me, what I've been going through, how I feel. I don't mean to be selfish but I can only speak about things from my viewpoint. 

 I've been trying to understand why I'm so affected but I don't need a reason, just that I am and I'm slowly getting better. Seeing so many other people experiencing the same thoughts and emotions I've been going through the past few days has been so helpful, I'm not alone in this,we all have each other and we all care about Jonghyun. All the shared videos of times when he was happy and silly and all the jokes about the things he's going to get up to in heaven. All the supportive messages from friends and strangers saying it's okay to be upset, there's nothing wrong with you, I'm here for you. Everything has been helping me get through this and making it easier to continue. 
I want to start taking care of myself better from now on. I've been in my own thoughts so much the past few days, I need a break, I need a distraction. I need to surround myself with people I love and do things that make me happy.

We lost a beautiful person but he'll forever be in our hearts.

Rest in peace Jonghyun, you did so well.