Replay

I swear I was planning on making a happier post since my last one but things happen and here we are. A few days ago I found out that Kim Jonghyun from Shinee passed away and I did not handle it well. I've written this over a couple of days and it's mainly to get things out of my system so I apologise if it's a bit of a mess of thoughts that don't flow properly.
 I was at work when I found out and spent the last few hours of my shift feeling numb. As soon as I started driving home, I started crying and could not stop. All night and the next morning I was drifting in and out of sleep but would cry whenever I was awake. The whole time I spent at work the next day was painful, I felt sick, tired and had to take breaks to stop myself from crying. I couldn't eat, I felt faint and it was a struggle to get through the day.

I feel somewhat ridiculous getting this upset over the death of someone I never knew and honestly it's surprised me how much I've been affected by it especially since I've never cried this much over people I knew personally who passed away. I really like Shinee and Jonghyun but I admit I have never been as emotionally attached to them as I am with other groups so these feelings really hit me out of nowhere. 

It may be due to a combination of things, I have been going through one of my episodes lately, not one of my worst ones but I haven't been in a great place mentally. I also haven't been sleeping well, I keep having really vivid (mostly unpleasant) dreams from which I get woken up several times during the night. So the tiredness and emotional vulnerability I was experiencing may have resulted in a greater reaction to the news than I normally would have. But mostly I think it is because of the circumstance of his death. 

I'm not going to lie, I have had suicidal thoughts quite often and have been at a point when I have seriously considered it. I'm not in that place anymore but I do still, from time to time think about death and dying. I don't know, I guess I'm trying to justify or understand the reasons for why I was so affected over this news. I guess I saw a lot of my suffering in him and it broke me up that someone had to go through the same things I do to the point where it ultimately consumed him.

Reading his 'goodbye letter' was unbelievably painful but it also scared me because of how similar my thoughts have been, it easily sounded like things I have told and continue to tell myself and I hate that other people go through this, it's not fair. 
It's almost all I've been thinking about the past few days. I tried to distance myself from it at the start but it was everywhere and hard to avoid. I read this excerpt from an interview and it just hit so close to home because I relate to this so much.

I feel like I've been making this entire thing about me, what I've been going through, how I feel. I don't mean to be selfish but I can only speak about things from my viewpoint. 

 I've been trying to understand why I'm so affected but I don't need a reason, just that I am and I'm slowly getting better. Seeing so many other people experiencing the same thoughts and emotions I've been going through the past few days has been so helpful, I'm not alone in this,we all have each other and we all care about Jonghyun. All the shared videos of times when he was happy and silly and all the jokes about the things he's going to get up to in heaven. All the supportive messages from friends and strangers saying it's okay to be upset, there's nothing wrong with you, I'm here for you. Everything has been helping me get through this and making it easier to continue. 
I want to start taking care of myself better from now on. I've been in my own thoughts so much the past few days, I need a break, I need a distraction. I need to surround myself with people I love and do things that make me happy.

We lost a beautiful person but he'll forever be in our hearts.

Rest in peace Jonghyun, you did so well. 

AM 4:44

I have about three unfinished drafts which I have been meaning to finish and post but haven't gotten around to it. I'll hopefully do that some time but I had to start this new one because I just needed to get this off my chest.

The past month? Couple of months I guess haven't been great. I got my period which lasted almost three weeks which led me to be constantly being tired and emotional. I thought the emotional aspect of things was because of my hormones being all over the place, and I guess that was part of it but I was also going into one of my depressive episodes at the time and I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Basically I thought things would go back to normal by now, but they haven't. I mean my period has stopped, well it stopped for a few weeks then started again today but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is, I've been going through depression for years and yes it's not as bad as it used to be a few years ago but I still get depressive episodes from time to time but they generally don't last very long. That is until now. Which is why I'm writing this. I haven't gone through an episode that's lasted this long in years and it's unsettling. I know I should get help, trust me, I know. I haven't exactly done the best thing to manage my condition over the past, probably because I found a way to cope and its been working for me so far. I know it's probably not healthy, I don't need people telling me what to do, I know. Just let me deal with it and I'll get help when I'm ready. Honestly I've thought about seeing someone about this recently just because it's been pretty bad lately and it's probably about time I got proper help, it's just so hard to open up about this. 

I still find it awkward and uncomfortable to talk about with the people I'm closest with, let alone a stranger. I've done it before, when I first got diagnosed and it was one of the hardest things I had to do so I have to mentally prepare myself to go through all of that again. 

I don't even know what the point of this was anymore. Basically things feel like they've been falling apart around me and it's getting harder and harder to pretend like I'm okay. I mean I am okay but I also really want to die you know? I don't know why that made me laugh.

I've been thinking about dying a lot lately which isn't new but I recently told one person about and she's the only one I've ever told because it's scary and uncomfortable and I don't want to burden people with what a mess of a person I am. Honestly I don't know why people are friends with me but I'm forever grateful I have these people in my life because who knows where I would be without them. Oh and the whole thinking about dying thing, don't worry I'm not thinking about actually doing anything to myself, that was a different time and I'm glad I'm not there anymore, I just think about dying in general. I'll stop talking about that now okay. Like it's hard enough talking about being depressed in general without bringing up this shit. 

I swear when I thought about this post I had a clearer message but it's become all over the place...

I just hate this state of mind I'm in right now, it's so draining and it's impacting me both physically and mentally. I've been spending more time in bed and have been less productive than ever. I'm pretty sure I've put on weight again so there goes that little work I put into losing it. I've been crying a lot, if I didn't have to go to work every day, I feel like I would start reverting back to the version of myself from a few years ago and isn't that a scary thought. 

What else? History disbanded which fucking ripped my heart apart, Music has been the biggest thing that has helped me get through bad days, it's been my life source in a way and I know it's probably silly to get so upset over a band disbanding but it means so much to me. They mean so much to me. I have a coping mechanism when things get bad and that's to distract myself. It's what I do and what I've done for as long as I can remember. I lose myself in music and tv and movies and books so much because they distract me, which gives me the illusion that things are okay, if just for a little while. So that's probably why I get so obsessed with things because it keeps my mind thinking about something else and just because it makes me happy. History made me happy and I'm so thankful for that. I was supposed to do a whole post just about them which I still may do but yeah that's what else has been going on with my life I guess.

I should probably stop writing, this is such a mess. Anyway if you read this, don't be worried about me. I just needed to spew my thoughts and feelings because bottling them up was getting to me. Like honestly I was standing outside staring at the moon before I walked back in and started writing this. I forgot how therapeutic it could be to write on here. It's probably why I used to post so much back then.

Hopefully I'll be back soon with actual quality content (not that anyone even reads this blog anymore). But I've had so many things I've wanted to write about and I really do miss keeping this journal of sorts.

Okay I'll actually stop writing now. 

She's Dreaming

Wow I don't even know how to start. I can't believe it's been almost two years since my last blog post. I don't know how I let it go for so long but I'm hoping to get back into blogging because I do miss it.
So much has happened in the past almost two years (but also not really that much), that it would feel a bit excessive to write all about it (as much as I want to), so I guess I'll just do a summary at the end.

I planned on coming back to blogging quite a few months ago but I wanted to clean up my older posts (fix dead links and things like that) before I did that, but there are so many and it'll take me forever to do that. So I guess I'll start posting normally and slowly try to clean up the older posts a bit.

I'm not sure if I'll be successful in keeping this going but I'll try.

Until then, I guess I'll just leave you a list of the most significant events I can think of from the past 22 months.

1. Went to Vanuatu with Priya and Varsha which was my first overseas holiday without family (and it was so great)
2. Went to India for my cousin's wedding
3.  Got typhoid (in India) and spent a week in hospital (in Australia)
4. Watched Haikyuu!! which I can probably now claim as my second favourite anime 
5. Saw All Time Low for the second time
6. Watched season 2 (the last season) of Free!
7. Discovered the strangest Korean show called "The Lover" which introduced me to the kpop group Cross Gene (so much for I'm okay just liking EXO)
8. Saw You Me At Six for the fifth time
9. Continued falling more and more in love with Scooby
10. Went to my first proper musical (The Lion King)
11. Stumbled upon History (another kpop group...oh yeah this whole kpop thing blew way out of proportion and is basically a huge part of my life now...who saw that coming huh?)
12. Discovered the joys of eyeliner and lipstick
13. Found out I may have a 'type' in guys... (at least when it comes to kpop)
14. Became closer with some friends and lost other friends
15. Another kpop group in the form of Got7 happened which made me go yeah okay it was stupid of me to think I could only like a couple of these groups (so I won't list the discovery of any more after this)
16. Finished my diploma
17. Went to Japan, South Korea and Hong Kong with Jenny and Ayontika (still not over how much I loved this holiday)
18. Went to my first kpop concert while in Japan (I saw History)
19. Met the love of my life, Kyungil on three different days while in Japan (also met the other History members which was amazing)
20. Starting working my first proper full time job

I think that's all? 
Ha my summary of 2016 is basically just that last point...what else have I done this year? 

I've forgotten how to end a post so I guess I'll just stop typing now

Heart Attack

So much shit has happened since my last post, but at the same time it feels like not a lot has happened. I was supposed to make several posts, but that clearly didn’t happened, so maybe I’ll do a recap since my last post (I know I’ve forgotten/ been too lazy to add everything, also a few things may be in the wrong months but everything sort of blends together so I forget). This is kind of long so warning.

May

There was a X-Men Days of Future Past premiere in Melbourne which is amazing because that doesn't happen much around here. It was at Melbourne Central though which is a really shitty place to have a premiere but it stilled looked so cool with everything set up. Long story short, I got to see Hugh Jackman, Peter Dinklage and Fan BingBing. Didn’t get to meet/take photos with them because of the shitty arrangement of the place but just getting to see them was pretty awesome. I got a huge DOFP poster which I asked around for, and then Pri and I took stupid photos.

The worst thing happened though; Hugh Jackman was going to appear on the Project so he took a bloody train (ON MY TRAIN LINE) to South Yarra, so people who were on the platform at MC got to take photos and things with him. I’m still fuming over the fact that I missed that. The police actually told me about this, we were on the platform when three of them approached us and asked where I got my poster from then told us Hugh Jackman was there earlier, to which I started groaning and complaining about (they found that amusing). Oh well, didn’t get to meet him but it was still fun and I got to go to see my first red carpet. 

--

I watched Days of Future Past by myself because I was impatient and couldn’t wait for everyone to be free. I wrote a post about it but never posted that either.

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It was exam season but I started watching a show called The Following. I said I would only watch one episode while I ate but that turned into seven episodes in the one day and the rest of the season that week. It started off REALLY good but then sort of lost the appeal so I haven’t seen season 2 yet. It had Adan Canto in it (who is really dreamy), so I looked up other things he’s in (apart from DOFP) and there wasn’t much because he’s a newbie, but there was one show called Mixology, so of course I downloaded it and watched the whole thing in a few days. 

A show I clearly watched for the plot, no but the show was quite bad. The characters were annoying and the jokes weren't funny, but I stuck through for all the attractive that is Adan Canto. 

Exam season, the best worst time to discover new shows. It was totally fine though because I did pretty great on my exams. 

JUNE

Watched DOFP again but this time with the gang, we then went out for Korean bbq as a little ‘seeing Nug for the last time before America’ thing. Thuy was there which was so good because I hadn’t seen her in forever.

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Watched Maleficent with Diem and kind of loved the movie. It was the last day of Chadstone Hoyts being open until 2016, which can you believe they’ll be closed for THAT long?

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Went to EXITUS with Thanh and Susan. It’s a place where there are different themed rooms, you pick one and they give you 40 minutes to solve the puzzle, ours was a Casino heist where we had to break into the main vault but solve all these little puzzles first. We made it out of the first two rooms but then time ran out so we couldn’t finish it but oh man it was so fun! I felt like I was Nancy Drew, trying to solve the things. Definitely want to go back and try one of the other rooms.

We didn’t know where to eat for lunch so we wandered around for ages until we settled on the pub on Bourke. We started talking about karaoke so spontaneously went and that was fun too.

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The World Cup happened, which I’m sad I never made a post about because I had a plan on how I was going to do things. I watched all the Australia games which all made my heart hurt but also swell with pride. It was so sad seeing Tim Cahill’s last cup match though. I had a lot to say about the world cup but I won’t go on, just that I was really happy with the results.

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I read The Fault In Our Stars, then watched the movie with Priya and Varsha. Honestly didn’t love either, everyone was going on about how amazing it is but I don’t know, it sort of bored me and I didn’t think the writing was that great. I did still cry reading the book though; the movie however didn’t make me cry.

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I started (and now finished) watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. Nug told me to watch it a few years ago so I finally got on board and it’s so great! I remember when it was on tv but I never paid any attention to it, really glad I finally ended up watching it because the story is so great and so are the characters.

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I had kind of a bad relapse for a while, which resulted in one of the worst crying sessions I’ve had in a long time. One good thing that came out of it was the discovery of this Remus/Sirius modern au fic. It said it was written in the format of texts which didn’t sound that appealing but I tried it and oh gosh it’s glorious. It hasn’t been finished yet but oh man it just makes me SO happy, one of the cutest things I’ve ever read.

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Sharline and Susan came over and we played this princessmakeover game. I’m going to link it here because seriously, it’s so much fun. We got a little carried away and spent hours on it making ourselves into princesses.

We then played Nancy Drew: Ghost of Thorton Hall. 

Before I talk about it, I just want to complain about how my local library no longer has computer cds for you to borrow which means no more Nancy Drew games! I have to look for them elsewhere now which makes things difficult.

It was Susan’s first time playing and I think she really liked it. It was funny because she was getting so scared. We finished the game that night and they both slept over.

Next day at night I went to Sharline’s house, Jen was there too and we ate fried chicken that Sharline’s parents made. The three of us then met up with Susan and watched 22 Jump Street which is so great. I don’t think there have been comedy movies as good as the Jump Street movies lately. 

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My cousin moved from Perth and has been living with us since. It’s been around 4 months now and I don’t think we’ve talked to each other more than ten times. I thought it would be awkward having him here, because we’re not close at all but it hasn’t been weird because he’s usually doing his own thing.

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Aishu had her hen’s party which was an Alice in Wonderland themed tea party. I dressed up as a card, there were 8 people dressed as twiddledee & twiddledum. They had the table set up and it was so cute because they had all these AIW decorations, I should have taken a photo. We played random games like making a wedding dress out of toilet paper. 

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My niece came over on the Monday of my last week of holidays and stayed until Thursday. We watched How to Train Your Dragon 2, ate a lot, played the princess game a lot and watched more movies. She’s so cute, she told me that she wanted to be like me when she grew up, which might be the nicest thing someone has ever said to me. Constantly complimenting me, saying how cool I am and she’s so polite too, I shouldn’t say this but she’s definitely the favourite out of all my cousins kids. Sharline came over during one of the days, we had fob rolls for lunch and watched the Grand Budapest Hotel.

Disha (my niece) left Thursday night, Sharline and Susan came over then. We may have played the princess game again, but we also made princes this time. Yes we are adults.

The next day Jenny came over for the Pork party. We went to Parkmore to buy ingredients, Thanh met us there and we all went back home.

Had roast pork and Afghan bread with kale chips and coleslaw for lunch. Pulled pork rolls for dinner, which tasted heavily of tomato sauce which was strange because there was hardly any in there.

Watched Honey Boo Boo season 3 while we ate, then dropped off Thanh at the station. Came back home and watched The Awkward Moment, which if you ever have the chance to watch it, don’t. I thought it would be a comedy but it wasn’t, it was so bad it made Susan angry. Sharline and Susan went home, Jenny and I watched the tennis and football.

JULY

I watched Shingeki No Kyojin (Attack On Titan), which I really liked but it was so different from what I imagined. It’s funny because all I saw on tumblr about it were the various pairings people liked (like there's this one pairing I would see everywhere and one of those characters isn't even that important), didn't know much about the plot so I was surprised. It’s quite dark and gory but it’s interesting. The annoying thing is that the manga is still going on so have to wait a while until they have enough material to do a season 2.

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We were supposed to have a last catch up before Aishu got married dinner but plans fell through very last minute so Priya and I got take away from Pings, a cheesecake from Coles (which we may have eaten half of, and watched Bollywood Queen. She appreciated Bollywood Queen for all its glory, and I enjoyed it just as much the third time around.

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Jenny and Sharline came over for Nancy Drew, it was Jenny's first time and I love how everyone is a little sceptical before they play but then end up enjoying themselves (really these games are so great). We played 

which wasn't as scary as some of the other games but it was still fun, also Jenny had a bit of a crush on one of the characters (I think it was the accent).

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Went to Viv’s house, she made Sharline and I meatballs which were really nice, and I tried purple cauliflower for the first time. We went over to Anders’ house because the baby chicks they had hatched. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone squeal as much as I heard Sharline squeal that day. The chicks were really cute though.

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Went to Susan’s house one night, Sharline and Jenny were there. Jenny and I went to buy food and things to make smores with. We sat by the fireplace and ate pad thai, nachos and cake. Viv and Anders came over too and we toasted marshmallows, which is something I’ve always wanted to try, just the toasting part, not actually eating it.

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Sharline came over for an anime night, we just watched Ouran High School Host Club and a couple of episodes of Free! I started (and have now finished) Ouran, it’s funny that the show was on ABC3, but it’s funny and the characters grew on me so it was sad when it ended. 

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Aishu’s wedding! It was kinda odd because she’s the first person around my age who I’ve known for years get married, but she looked so happy and it was really cute. I didn't appreciate the ‘you’re next’ that people said to me.

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Nug came back from America so she came over, Sharline and Susan came too and we skyped with Jenny while Nug told us about America and showed us some of the stuff she bought at the Wizarding World. Oh and she bought us all house badges which is so cool! 

August

Also known as there month where nothing else matters apart from my birthday (I kid, but no I don’t because I really like my birthday).

I woke up to a birthday card, money and chocolate (the strawberries and cream lindt balls, they’re so good!). Thanh and I watched Guardians of the Galaxy then had lunch and I had to get to class after. That night, my parents got me a birthday cake which was nice, and we went out for dinner. Overall, a quiet but nice birthday

HOW CUTE IS SCOOBY!?

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Exams were approaching again and I was having kind of a bad night so I decided to go to bed earlier than I normally would. Around 11 I heard the door bell so I went and answered the door and it was Susan, Sharline and Nug with a birthday cake. Completely unexpected but it was so nice! Also oh god the cake was made to look like a swimming pool (because of free!), I was so in love with it. HOW COOL IS THAT!? I didn’t take any photos which I regret; I think I was a little in shock so I didn’t know what to do. 

Susan gave me Cluedo as a present (which we have yet to play), then left. Nug and Sharline stayed till about 1am talking and it was nice because I hadn’t seen them in a while. So nice of them to do that!

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I watched a show called In the Flesh. There are two seasons so far, 9 hour long episodes, which I watched in a little over a day. It’s such a great show, really recommend it, it’s interesting and different. Just a warning though, if you do watch it, beware of episode 3 of season 1 because I was a sobbing mess during that episode. 

SEPTEMBER

Had dinner with Piyumi, Sneha and Viv, it was good catching up after ages. We had Gelato Messina for dessert; it was my first time there. Let’s just say it was so good, I had a dream about going back.
I was gushing a little about the concerts I was going to go to so Sneha looked at me all seriously and went, “Monisha, I have something to ask you, I want to get into your head, what is it about bands that you like so much? Is it the music or is it the way they look?”
It made me laugh a little because of how serious she seemed. I’m not very good at answering this but of course it’s always about the music. See with actors I can get obsessed purely based on looks and I’ll watch their movies and things but with bands, I have to like the music for me to get into them. I tried it with one band, they were all cute so I watched a few interviews and things but I didn’t love the music so I couldn’t get more into them. Anyway I’m rambling now but basically why am I so into bands? MUSIC Why am I so into music? Because I don’t know where I would be without it. Music has always been there in the darkest times when I felt alone and it continues to be there for me. When everything feels like its falling apart, music is there as a comforting presence. Just MUSIC *throws heart shaped confetti*.

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CONCERT WEEK which I want to write a separate post about but it was three consecutive days of shows and it was bloody brilliant but tiring as hell. I wasn't getting much sleep the week before then during this week I had uni on all the days and would get home late and end up messaging Jenny about it until even later so the fatigue and lack of sleep got to me and I got sick. I'm getting old. 

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Thanh told me about a book called Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, which I finally got around to reading and oh man please just go read this book because it made my heart feel fuzzy. It's just such a sweet book and I cried reading it but it made me so happy. Just go read it. 

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My uncle came over from India for three weeks and because my cousin is in the spare room, my uncle was in my room so I slept on the couch for 3 whole weeks. If you follow me on twitter, you’ll know how much whining I did over it.

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Tik told me about this web comic called The Less than EpicAdventures of TJ and Amal.This is another one of those things where I was told about it ages ago but I finally got around to it. It’s about these two guys who sort of go on this road trip and oh man it’s so great! I loved it and you know what’s really cool? Amal speaks Telugu! There’s a bit in the comic where he’s imitating his parents so he says something in Telugu and I was like holy crap I understood that, so awesome because you never see Telugu characters. If there’s an Indian character in something 99% of the time they’re going to speak Hindi. Anyway besides that, it’s just really good, it’s funny and sweet and has great characters. I’m going to link it here, it’s got a few nsfw scenes (maybe like 3 or 4) so warning there but it’s really good!

I was in love so I asked for more. She told me about Starfighter which holy crap, completely in love with this one too. It sucks that I can’t tell people to read this (but totally do if you're interested, I've included a link)because it’s very heavy on the nsfw (and most of my friends are too pure for that), like basically half plot half porn but oh man, this one is set in space and the whole universe they’ve created is so interesting, makes me want to know everything about it and all the characters BUT Tik may have forgotten to mention that it was a work in progress so I reached the last page and was like NO IT’S NOT FINISHED. It’s so painful waiting for updates because it’s literally one page every who knows when. I reread the whole thing again because I felt like I missed a lot the first time, ugh so good!

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Free! my beloved Free! came to an end. Who knew I would grow so attached to the show but here I am, one year after I watched the first episode, completely besotted. I discovered this show around the time I had that episode with my parents so I was in a terrible place and this show was that little 20 minutes of escape. I don’t know what it is but it just makes me so happy. I adore every little thing about this show; it gave me something to look forward to on Thursdays. The last episode had me bawling but it was a nice ending. Now to get everyone else to watch it, which is totally going to happen!

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Jenny, Thanh, Nug and I had lunch at Ponyfish Island, then went to another place and had chips. Nug pulled out this Monopoly card game and oh man it’s so fun. We played a round there, then went and had hot/iced chocolate and played another round there.

OCTOBER

Went to Sharline’s house and just hung out with her and Jenny. I got my birthday presents from Jenny which was this awesome Anberlin jumper which Jenny painted herself, what a gun, the seventh Harry Potter book, a salad spinner (there’s a story there) and this really cool heat changing Doctor Who mug. 

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I don’t even know why but I randomly decided to download EXO’s (Who are a Korean/Chinese boy band) album. Don’t ask me why because I actually don’t know. This is how it happened; I saw someone post what I think is a Korean song on tumblr, so my brain went oh hey let me download EXO. That’s the story. Weird huh, because I actually heard about them two years ago from Chaniga and then again from Sharline who showed me random videos of them and told me stuff about them but no one ever told me to listen to their music. Anyway so I listened and listened some more and some more and I really dug their music so I told Sharline and she flipped out a little. Honestly I just needed a bit of a break from my normal music which was bumming me out, I mean I love my music but those songs were making my heart ache and I just needed something meaningless and light.
I was going to watch their music video but she said she had to be there when I watched it so I waited.

We had a dip party at her house with Susan and Nug so I watched some of their videos and we ate dip and played the monopoly card game (I always forget what it’s called).

They said they were curious which one of the guys I found attractive, so I looked them up when I went home and I couldn’t really tell who was who because there are so many of them so Sharline gave me weekend ‘homework’ to pick a favourite and sent me all these links to photos of them to help me decide. I went through things and picked two, who are now my ‘bias’, apparently that’s what you call your favourite one, I don’t know.

                                          This is Kris and Sehun

Hmm and then Sharline said we should watch their show but we couldn’t think of a day that was soon because exams but then one Friday night, right before swotvac, I was having a shitty night and wasn’t getting any work done so I messaged Sharline like “hey we should have done the EXO viewing tonight” so she said why don’t we, and that is how we ended up watching videos of them for almost 5 hours, until almost 3 in the morning, when I had to be up at 7 the next day. It was worth it though, it was so nice to sort of forget about everything for a while and just laugh, and laugh I did. They're all so cute and dorky oh man this is so bad. 

Things have now escalated and I am in deep with all things EXO. I think I’ve watched more youtube these past couple of weeks than I have the whole year. Seriously, you don’t want to introduce me to new things because if I like it, I will get obsessed. It’s a condition I have been plagued with since I was a kid.

But it's so bad, I don't think I've been like this about something for a while. Like the other day I was getting really emotional over Kris and how he's not in the band anymore which is so stupid because I didn't even know them when he was in the band. I'm already really emotionally invested in these 12 stupid boys.

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Ryland and Alex from Cobra Starship left the band. I thought something was going to happen but then Cobra announced a new album in the works and talked about rehearsals so I was pumped and I listened to Viva La Cobra after so long so it was terrible hearing about them leaving. I hate that this happens. Why can't bands stay together forever. I'm going to miss them so much. They appeared very briefly in the new music video, where they wave goodbye and oh man why? It sucks because Cobra were my happy band but not there's this.

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I had/am having the worst exam period out of the 4 this year. Terrible swotvac where I felt completely unmotivated and didn't get much done. The last two weeks have been spent crying and feeling miserable, which is why I have been losing myself in EXO videos to get away from everything and I feel like it's keeping me sane because they make me happy. I stuck through and got my exams done for RMIT, got the results back already and they're my worst marks this year but still not bad, I was just aiming for a pass so it's pretty great that I still managed to get a HD average for exams (thank fuck for doing well in my midsems). 

Now I have my Monash ones and any ounce of motivation I had has completely left me and I have not studied at all and I'm finding myself not caring which is not good because there's a 100% chance I'm going to fail them. I just feel so drained, I did 5 units with RMIT and 2 with Monash so I did a shitty job at balancing the two so I completely neglected the Monash ones and I should care because it's a waste and what are my parents going to say if I fail again but I just don't care. I mean I do but I also don't. I think I don't feel as bad because this already feels like a huge accomplishment, I mean this is me, who went from failing and dropping out of a majority of my classes the past few years, to finishing a year of classes with relatively good grades (excluding the Monash stuff of course). Another reason I'm not caring is because I'm not going to continue with Monash next year, there's no way I can do both so I'm going to finish this with RMIT and then I can always finish my degree through RMIT too. Just ugh I don't know I hate myself so much right now but I just don't think I have it in me to do more at this point, I have given up and I feel like trash for that but I don't know what to do. 

Snap Out Of It

Saw The Amazing Spider-Man 2 with Jenny, Sharline, Nug, Viv and Annie. The room we were in was so bad, the rows weren’t sloped so you would get blocked by people’s heads and the screen felt tiny. I think Jenny, Nug and I were being annoying about the seats because we were quite loud, but it was a bad room! I won’t say anything about the movie here, except that it was a lot better than the first one.  We then met up with Susan and had dinner at Taco Bill. Went back to my house and watched a couple of specials of Honey Boo Boo. We didn’t realise the whole season was out already but we didn’t have time to watch the whole show because Sharline and Annie had to leave. The next day we got fob rolls (which i may be slightly addicted to now) for lunch and watched my kitchen rules.
Oh man how could I forget, we took our annual Easter Sleepover photo! Adding to previous years now.

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The other day I went to IKEA with Sumo for lunch. I hadn’t seen her since October I think so it was so good getting to see her again. I tried the meatballs for the first time and I quite liked them. We sat and ate and talked for a while, then Sumo gave me these presents which are so cool!
It’s funny because just the day before I was thinking about how much I love notebooks because I write down random crap and how I should go buy some. These are so pretty though, I’m a little hesitant to write in them. The playing cards are round and they’re so cute and the books, oh the books. I have a great love for books, even though I haven’t read one in quite some time but there’s just something about buying or getting books as a present. These books are perfect too because one of them is one of my favourite books and the other is one of Sumo’s favourite which I need read. 
After lunch we walked around the place and pretended we lived in the houses which is always fun.  Sadly we could only spend a few hours together because she needed to go back. I hope we get to see each other more often because it totally sucks that we don’t. 
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Went out to dinner at Father’s Office with Sharline, Susan, Nayomi, Ayanthi, Piyumi, Sneha, Viv and Anders for Ayanthi’s birthday.  I didn’t realise how close to Melbourne central it was, anyway I got a chicken burger and it was pretty good. We stayed there the whole night and just talked and it’s nice whenever we meet up. Piyumi made a nutella cake and it was amazing, I thought I was going to pass out because of how rich it was.  Unfortunately I don’t have any photos from that night. 
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 I don’t spend a lot of time at uni because there aren’t a lot of hours so it’s not great to get close to people but the ones I have become friends with are a good bunch, even if I don’t see them that often. 
There’s one girl though who I’m the closest with and we get weird whenever we have our micro classes. Our lab demonstrator Gwen seems to hate almost everyone in the class but she loves the two of us and called us sterile (I think that was her odd way of complimenting us), so we came up with this story where we’re superheroes called the sterile duo and we have this whole back story about how we got out powers and all these additional characters, which we expand on every class. We decided our story is going to be a cartoon which also has singing in it. During one class, the assistant lab demonstrator accidentally called Gwen, Glen, so we decided Gwen has a split personality where her evil alter ego is Glen, I was thinking like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde then thought about the song from Arthur and said Gwen could have a solo song to which my friend asked if I had ever seen Arthur. I was like YESSS that’s exactly what I was thinking of and it’s funny that we both thought of the same thing, we couldn’t stop laughing about it. Yes anyway it’s nice when you find people just as odd as you. 
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The guy I work with was telling me about how he was watching Prometheus and he thought of me while watching because of Michael Fassbender. I am slowly making everyone think of me whenever they see Fassy. Success 
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I just realised I’ll have to wear a sari to my friend’s wedding which is the worst.  I’ve only worn a sari two times in my life and they were both for very short periods of time and were not in front of a lot of people. I dislike saris for myself. They’re fine on other people; they look great on other people but me they do not look good on at all. AT ALL! Plus they’re uncomfortable and did I mention I look TERRIBLE in a sari. It makes me look larger than I already am which is a complete nightmare for someone who has body issues, so you can imagine I am not looking forward to it. 
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A while ago, I was hanging out with Diem and I was joking around and I told her to write me cherik fanfic, well a few months later I saw her again and she wrote it for me hahahaha. She hand wrote it in a notebook and everything, I was so amused. She wrote me a card saying I’m sorry if this is really weird and if it’s too kinky and grosses you out, which is hilarious because I read it and found it so vanilla (makes you wonder what kind of stuff I normally read huh?). 
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So you all probably know that X-Men: Days of Future Past is coming out tomorrow!!!! 
I heard there's not much cherik in it which is sad. I'm going to miss all the gay.
The press tour started a couple of weeks ago which means INTERVIEWS. I have slowly been dying from all the MCFASSY. It’s been so bad, you have no idea, my fangirl hasn’t been this strong in a long time. They’re so amazing though, they’re so funny and attractive THEY’RE PERFECT. I’m going through a major McAvoy situation, he says the funniest things in interviews plus there have been so many photos of him and he always looks so good and oh god have you seen his lips? It’s hard to look away from his lips while watching interviews. 
I can’t believe it’s been almost three years since xmfc and I’m still this bad about everything.

Interviewer asked what superpower they would have and james said he would spread arousal so this happened

pretend the gifs are attached 

talking about fanart where erik was standing behind charles 

THEY'RE TOO MUCH

I could keep going but I will stop

Oh  oh also about the press. This will probably sounds really weird but I’ve shipped Hugh Jackman and Halle Berry for years, in a friends way, like I love you two interacting with each other.  It may be because I’ve shipped Storm and Wolverine for years? Although I ship that in a romantic way and not in a friends way. ANYWAY
Hugh Jackman loves Halle Berry and it makes me so happy whenever he talks about her in interviews. There was one interview where James accidentally said which X-Men character would you want to be with, instead of be and he said you don’t have to answer that but Hugh kept repeating Halle Berry’s name and he does that whenever they ask him who his favourite character is he says Halle Berry, who did you enjoy working with the most? Halle Berry. When they were taking photos of the virgin train with the character photos he took one of himself looking up at the Halle Berry photo and labelled the photo with her name, they had to name as many mutants as they could and Peter Dinklage said Storm so Hugh yelled out ‘No! How could I forget Halle Berry. 

 

There’s so much more and I get so happy when he does that. I know I’m so weird.

These character videos have been released and I think they're so cool! I think it might be because of the music, here's the Charles one because he's my favourite

I think it’s gotten to the point where everyone is real tired of me talking about xmen and I apologise for that. 

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I’ve got exams in two weeks which is ridiculous because it feels like I just had midsems. I have all this work to do and no time to do it because we don’t get bloody swotvac which really isn’t fair. This means my holidays will start after two weeks which is amazing but it’s not when everyone else has their holidays so that sucks. At least I have a few weeks off though, there’s a few things I’m planning on doing, like finally decorating my room properly, so hopefully I’ll get around to doing all that stuff. 

Wow! That's Loud

I haven’t written about any of the shows I’ve been to this year so I’ll write about them all in the one post.

January 12^th

I met up with Jenny and we had lunch at a crepe place (I don’t remember what it’s called). We were walking towards Sidney Myer Bowl when we saw a huge crowd of people and tents in the distance so we decided to check it out. There was a queer parade going on which is why the crowds. There were all these tents with people giving info about various things and they also had a stage where the lady who passed the marriage bill in New Zealand was speaking, which was pretty cool.

Fast forward a bit to us going inside the venue (at this point Rebecca and Vanessa were also with us). We got to the barrier on the lawn which was the section we had. The venue was a weird place for a concert. There were seats near the stage, then this section which was ‘the terrace’ and then lawn at the back. It was very disjointed.

Twenty One Pilots were on first. I hadn’t heard much of their stuff before so I wasn’t familiar with their music. I loved them as performers. The lead singer was so energetic, he was running around everywhere and jumping on/off the piano and it made me happy watching him because he looked so happy. The drummer stood on top of the piano and flipped off which was amazing. They did this duet where they both played the drums and oh man it was so cool.

You Me At Six were on next and they were amazing like usual.  Josh joked about the people sitting down and he wanted to do this thing where everyone takes out their phones but because we were outside, it wouldn’t work so he was angry at the sun. He’s so funny, he would talk about random things and Jenny and I would laugh while everyone around us kept silent. Back to the music, they played Little Death which is one of my favourites and oh lord it was incredible. I just really wish the crowd were more into them. They said they’re coming back in September though so looking forward to that.

Paramore’s entrance. Oh man that entrance. Curtains dropped to reveal Hayley, Jeremy and Taylor posed in front of three long lights (the three lines is their logo) and I can’t describe how fucking cool this looked. I seriously wish I had a photo of this because of how cool this moment was. (Edit, there was a video on instagram that I print screened this from)

 It went straight into the song Grow Up. They were incredible. Such a good live band and Hayley is so cute.

One thing about the venue, although it felt very disjointed, the acoustics were incredible. I wish every venue was so clear sounding.

Back to Paramore. They sang a mix of new songs and old and just gave us such a great performance. The lights on stage changed colour and during When It Rains, it looked like it was raining. I’m not used to my bands having production on stage so it was pretty cool. They sang crushcrushcrush which is one of my favourites so it was really cool getting to hear that live.

They sang Last Hope which I groaned about when they said they would sing it, because I knew I would get emotional.  So as most of you know, I didn’t have the greatest of years last year, this song helped me get through some pretty tough times (along with their song Now) so this song really means a lot to me. So yes, hearing this song live made me cry quite a lot but I am so happy I got to hear it.

People seem to generally be surprised when they know I love Paramore, I’m not quite sure why but maybe I don’t talk about them as much as my other bands? I don’t know, but this band has also helped me get through some crappy times (I seem to say that about a lot of bands don’t I?) and I’m just so happy that I got to see them after all these years of wanting to.

February 25^th

After uni, I met up with Thanh and we had lunch and walked around and then lined up outside The Forum. Thanh was kind enough to keep me company while I waited, we talked about pretty boys and observed the lips of men (I realise how strange that sounds. It was a strange thing to do). After a while Thanh left and the girls in front of me started talking to me. It was then finally time to go inside, I had to cloak my bag upstairs but it was FREE (how amazing huh). I ended up being in the third row to the front, sort of in between the middle and the right.

The venue was pretty cool. I think it would be nice to go to a chill show at this venue. They have these booths and seats behind the floor and I have to mention the ceiling because it was pretty, it looked like the night sky.

The first band was Alkaline Trio. I hadn’t heard of them before and I currently don’t remember a lot about them. I think they were decent, I don’t really remember and I feel bad for not remembering. There was this one guy who went nuts during their set though and he yelled out “who even cares about Panic! At The Disco” to which several people responded by giving him greasies.  People moved around and I somehow ended up being second row from the front.

It was now time for Panic, I would once again be seeing my former future husband. Yes laugh all you want but this school girl crush I have on Brendon is embarrassingly strong.

The guys came out in a snazzy all black get up. I saw Dallon and was temporarily blinded by his beauty, he is one attractive man. All thoughts of Dallon were forgotten as Brendon came out in his shiny bronze blazer and started the show with Time To Dance. I love watching him on stage, he moved around a bit and would dance to a lot of the songs. It was a little weird/sad having just Brendon from there from the original band because Spencer isn’t well at the moment, but Dallon is cool and the new guy Kyle grew on me because he looked so happy.

I like that they played a few of their old songs like Camisado which is one of my favourites, as well as a good mix of the new songs. During Miss Jackson, Brendon did the back flip which he’s been doing at all the shows and oh man it’s crazy cool how he does that. I don’t understand how people get their bodies to do things like that.

Just before Girls/Girls/Boys Brendon took of his jacket and top, yes he was topless and I almost passed out (just kidding), but I did get quite hot and bothered if you know what I mean (TMI I know but does anyone read this anymore?). 

He sang the song which I was really happy about because I didn’t see it on their other setlist so I thought they wouldn’t play it. Left the shirt off for the rest of the set and at one point came and stood right in my field of vision, and it was one of the most glorious views I have ever had. Brendon all sweaty in those ridiculously tight pants, with his hip V (don’t get me started on the V) so prominent, it was obscene.

It was so great getting to see them again and also lucky that it was at a small venue because of how much closer you get to be to them. I wish their set could have been longer, I’m still waiting for them to have a headlining show. I do wish they played more songs from Pretty. Odd. Nine in the Afternoon was the only one they did, I feel like this is the album that will get left out, it’s like Fall Out Boy and how they hardly play any Folie A Deux songs and it sucks because I adore both these albums.

They finished their set with I Write Sins Not Tragedies. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of hearing this song. It was amazing but upsetting that the show was over.

I went up and got my bag, bought a t-shirt and sat down, realised I lost my favourite earring, total bummer. If anyone finds small black flower earrings, let me know because I need to buy another pair.

Jimmy Eat World were on next. There were a lot of older guys there for them and it was weird because they all sort of just stood around and didn’t sing along or anything but I guess people all act different at shows.  Jimmy Eat World were great live, it was quite nice to just sit back, relax and listen to a band. Completely different to how it usually is at shows. Unfortunately I couldn’t stay for their whole set because I had to get the train home.

February 28^th

Met up with Pri and we made our way to Flemington Racecourse. We walked around for a bit then went over to the main stage. It was my first time at this venue because before last year, it was held at the showgrounds. There were already people at barrier so we sat in the second row to the front. The first band to perform on our side of the stage were Biffy Clyro. I hadn’t heard them before but I liked them, I should listen to their music (I always say that but I’m so bad with getting around to listening to new music). 

Richie Sambora was on next I think. I only know about him because he used to be in Bon Jovi. There was a small group of middle aged women who where there for him, they were all fangirly and had bon jovi t-shirts on and I thought to myself, that’ll probably be me in a few years. There was this one lady who was tiny, she was about a head shorter than me and she had a banner for Richie Sambora and it was pretty cute. He played some Bon Jovi songs like ‘Dead or Alive’ and ‘Livin On A Prayer’ which was cool.
I also thought his guitarist was pretty cool.

I’m mixing up my order here because I can’t remember. The Living End were on stage 2 so I could only see them on the screen but I could hear them and I never really listened to them but they sounded so happy to be playing for the crowd because they’re a Melbourne band and it was cool. A Day To Remember were also on that stage and the lead singer got inside one of those big clear ball things then went into the crowd, that was entertaining.
Placebo was on main stage and once again, a band I haven’t heard. I think I may have accidentally drifted off for a tiny bit during their set but it was because of how warm it was and I was tired so I got drowsy. Their lead singer reminded me or Snape and their drummer was entertaining to watch.
Alice In Chains had a black lead singer which was cool. I don’t really remember anything about their set.

Jimmy Eat World were on stage 2 and it was nice to listen to some familiar music.

While they were setting up the stage for Green Day, Bohemian Rhapsody came on and everyone started to sing along and oh man it was so great. The crowd was louder than the track so all you could hear was everyone singing.

FINALLY TIME FOR GREEN DAY. I don’t know what to say really, it was incredible seeing them in the flesh. They were right in front of me and oh boy I was so happy.  The crowd was nuts which made it good but I was a little worried about Pri because it was her first mosh and it was really rough in there. 

I’m trying to describe it but it’s hard so I’m going to keep this short. They were all amazing and I could gush about how great they sounded live. They know how to captivate and keep a crowd entertained.
Billie Joe started singing ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’ and I sort of lost it a little and started crying (I sure do a lot of crying right?). I don’t think I’ve ever cried listening to the song before but the way he sang it and what the songs means, this was the song that started it all. 

my camera got water on it and stopped working so I didn't get many photos. She's fine now though which is a relief

They had a great set, it was almost three hours long and they played quite a lot of their old songs, mainly from Dookie because it’s the 20^th anniversary of the album this year, so that was awesome. They got some people up on stage at times, sometimes to sing bits of the song and other times so just jump around on stage. At one point they got a girl to come up on stage and play guitar and once she was done, they let her keep the guitar, how amazing is that!? 

They played ‘Waiting’ which is one of my favourite songs ever so that was so cool I got to hear it live. The whole vibe and just that feeling of being there and finally getting to see them after all these years was so incredible. They put on a hell of a show and I feel so lucky to have been able to go.

March 28^th

Got to Hisence Arena and waited around for about an hour until Piyumi got there. We were then let in and had to wait inside to go to the floor. Once in, more waiting until it was finally time for the opening band to go on. I hadn’t been to an arena show since my first concert, 6 years ago, which was also with Piyumi so it was pretty cool getting to do that. I much rather smaller venues though, just because it feels a lot more intimate. 

We were on the far right of the stage, second row from the front and the opening band, White Lies, set up on the far right of the stage so the view wasn’t the greatest. I can’t seem to remember much about their music, they were decent but not really what I would listen to. I really liked it when the lead singer would talk though because he had such a nice accent.

Thirty Seconds To Mars came on and it was exciting but oh boy I really didn’t like how the stage was set up. There was a ramp sort of thing in the middle and Jared would stay there a lot, also Shannon’s drum kid was set up not facing towards the stage so my view of him was mainly his back.
They sang one of my favourite songs first which is Night of the Hunter. They played some songs from their latest album and a couple of older songs. During one of the songs, they released these giant colourful balloons which were really cool to begin with but then they got super annoying because it would block my view. 

There was this little kid with a pink mohawk like the one Jared used to have, so he pulled the kid up on stage and it was really cute.

They played a few songs acoustically, first was Hurricane and oh man Jared’s voice during that song was so beautiful. They also did The Kill which is another favourite and they pulled up a couple of people on stage during that.
Most of the songs they played were from their two most recent albums which is understandable but I do wish they played a couple of songs from A Beautiful Lie.

The crowd were surprisingly not crazy, I didn’t get pushed around which was amazing. Maybe it was because we were closer to the side than the middle but it was good.

The rest of the set was really good and it was exciting whenever Jared would come over to our side of the stage.
Before we knew it, it was over. For some reason, it felt like quite a short set but I think it was over an hour.

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So yes that’s all my concerts from this year.

Still talking about bands; I found out Alex Marshall from The Cab left the band which is really sad because he was my favourite in the band. I’m glad I got to see him once and got to meet him, also have that ‘note’ he gave me, but gosh it’s sad when this happens.

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Anberlin announced their last Australia tour which is happening in September. I’m both excited but also upset about it because it’s going to be the last time I’ll ever get to see them.