Stillness of the mind

A little bit of self reflection here now that I'll be turning 30 very soon. Turning 30 seems so daunting, maybe because there are so many societal and cultural pressures involved around that age. There are certain expectations that we are led to believe we must achieve or be on our way to achieving by this age. I just think about being in high school and having all these "goals" or I guess they weren't really goals then, they were just things that I thought I would have achieved by now, a sort of life check list; things I would have done by the time I was 30. These include having a house, be married with kids, or in a relationship...or at the very least not be a virgin. I thought I would be skinny, that my relationship with my parents would be better. I thought I would have a career I loved, that I would be done with my depression and was going to be living my best life, all by the time I was, you guessed it, 30. 

Yet here I am, two days away from turning 30 and I've yet to achieve any of those things and you know what? That's okay. Life doesn't always turn out the way we plan or imagine it to. Things get in the way, goals change. I'm definitely not the same person I was when I was in school and the life I pictured for myself then isn't what I imagine for myself now. Obviously there are things I wanted back then which I still do now. I would love to live in a house of my own but i know this is something I can work towards so I'm not necessarily stressed about it not having happened yet. While I am extremely upset about still being a virgin HA, being married or in a relationship doesn't feel like a priority at the moment. I know in my last post I vented about how lonely I am and while this is still true at times, I feel like in the past year, I've slowly started to consider the prospect of never having a romantic partner and to be okay being alone, it's still a work in progress but it doesn't seem like the end of the world. While I definitely like the idea of kids in the future, I am 100% not equipped to have any now and don't want to birth any of my own. Adoption is something I've wanted to do well before I was old enough to know better but now the older I get, the more I want to hopefully do it. 
Being skinny? Well you saw my last post and know how I feel about my weight. It's been a very long work in progress but believe it or not, my feelings surround my self esteem and body image have improved somewhat. I no longer want to be skinny, I think I've sort of accepted that I will always be somewhat of a fat kid but for now I'm aiming to work towards feeling more comfortable with the way I look, rather than trying to change myself to fit someone else's ideals. 
My relationship with my parents hasn't been the best the past few years. It seems like I'm constantly butting heads with one or the other. I've been quite angry with my dad for the past several months which in a way brought me closer to my mum. Then the past few weeks I've been back to being civil with my dad (probably because he hasn't mentioned getting me married) as I've been annoyed at my mum (for other reasons). It's a constant up and down with them but I guess we're working on it. 
I'm okay with not loving my job. I don't hate it and it gives me money which lets me do things that I do love, like travelling. 
My mental health is better than it has been in the past but there's still such a long way to go. This is something I need to take a much more active approach in. 

I feel like this post is not going the way I initially planned on (much like my life). As I said, things haven't gone the way I imagined and it's okay even when it doesn't feel like it. I think what I can be happy about is that now more than ever before, I know who I am as a person, I know what my interests, likes and dislikes are. I may not know exactly what I want out of my life, I still continue to make mistakes and compare myself far too much to the people around me (which in turn makes me feel bad about myself) even though I know it's not healthy (but boy when you have so many over achievers or just people who appear to be excelling at life it's hard not to), but I'm still learning. Learning to live my own life, do things my own way in my own time and not let other people dictate what I should want or do with it. I know what my values are, I know when you break down everything, what's truly important to me and these are all things I had no idea about when I was younger so you know what? Turning 30 doesn't seem too bad if it means I'll continue to grow and learn and I have a feeling my 30s are going to be much better than my 20s.

This was less of a self reflection and more of a thoughts I need to get out of my system but here we are.

Until next time